Hell is hot for 2014.
Here’s how and why it’s right for you.
Why now? For northern hemisphere travelers, it’s winter, so you’ll appreciate the change of climate. But beyond the high season, it seems there’s always a place in pop culture for undead monsters — witness the spate of popular zombie, vampire, and most recently, Krampus figures in television, movies, and more. In 2013, British film star Simon Pegg starred in The World’s End — why not bypass facsimiles of the apocalypse and go straight to Hell?
What to do: Hell has nine circles, or districts, each with unique character and activities. Our experts recommend the second circle, Infidelity, where you’ll be blown about by terrible storms for all eternity with never a single day of rest. Make time for the ninth circle — locals call it “Treachery” — too! Treatments here involve being encased in ice and exfoliation therapy delivered by Satan himself.
What to eat: You can’t go to Hell without partaking of “Dhari.” It’s a locally harvested plant comprised mainly of bitter thorns. You’ll recognize it by the distinctive devil head shape. It provides no sustenance and feels like boiling oil when ingested. And it’s all vegetarian, making a nice alternative to the standard effluvia of the wounds of the suffering that comprises most meals in Hell.
Fun fact: Sure, Hell is full of fiery pits and torturous flames. But the phase “A snowball’s chance in Hell” was written by someone who’d never made it to the depths of the underworld. Travel like a local and you’ll learn that the darkest parts of hell are bitter cold — if your snowball makes the trip, it will last forever!
Getting there: Handbasket runs daily direct flights, but you should not let the screen door hit you on the way out. For those who’d prefer a slower, more old fashioned trip, Charon offers ferry service across the Styx. If you have time to spare, consider bargaining for an extra 100 years of wandering aimlessly on the shore. Self drive is absolutely doable, but be aware that there are no stop signs, speed limits and you’ll need to go down, all the way. It’s by no means required, but getting an international driver’s license from your local automobile club is a good idea.
Recommended reading: Satre’s No Exit concludes that “Hell is other people,” a point of view our experts support. While it’s somewhat dated, we think all travelers to Hell should read the 14th century Inferno by veteran guidebook author (The Lonely Planet Guide to Hell, DK Eyewitness Travel Guide: Purgatory), Dante. For a lighthearted perspective, Matt Groenig’s Life in Hell makes a fast read that encapsulates the despair, frustration, and disappointment that makes Hell your perfect destination for 2014.
Happy travels!
I actually read this. …that is to say, while I don’t have an angry ex, I read this sitting on the beach near Poipu in Kauai. So, no angry ex, but perhaps the author wishes I would go to hell.
((Checks guidebook for “Envy.” Nope, that’s a sin, not a destination. Carry on.))
Don’t forget to mention the strongly-encouraged apparel of choice en route to Hell: gasoline-soaked undergarments (or, “draws” as we call them here in Miami, er, I mean West Hell).
What does it say about me that I laughed like a hyena while reading this? Funniest blog post ever. Oh, if only I had written this to my ex six years ago….
Gray, I choose to think it means you have a superior sense of humor.
This is hilarious–loved it!! I have an ex (or three) I’d love to send to this particular destination. Could it be arranged for him to eat the ‘dhari’ while on the ferry across the Styx?
The only thing allowed on the ferry is a coin for the ferryman and Dhari isn’t available for export as of yet.
Love it! 🙂 You should definitely become a travel agent if you can even sell hell……
You forgot the very best reason of all to visit this extraordinary destination: They’ve got one helluva band!