Five Ways to Keep Your Traveler’s Spirit Alive in a Post-Terror Era
Go to your local felafel truck. Spend a very long time trying to decide if the guy working the fryer is Israeli or Arab. (Joke’s on you; he’s a secular Iranian Jew; his wife is a fourth generation American Muslim from Philly.) Give up and go to Olive Garden instead, Italian is never out of style. Plus, unlimited bread sticks.
Pack your luggage as usual, keeping in mind the latest TSA regulations that may or may not allow you to carry on that peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Is peanut butter a gel? How many days in advance should you arrive at the airport? Why did you wear the 16-hole lace-ups when you’re going to have to strip to board your flight? Fuel prices are at a 20 year low, there’s never been a better time for a road trip. Throw away your sandwich and buy a 42 foot motor home.
Review the US State Department guidelines on travel. Compare them with those of Canada and the UK. Conclude that according to the US guidelines, Flint, Michigan is a safer place than anywhere in Belgium and “Don’t drink the water” is sound advice in many locales. Find a screening of “Roger & Me,” Michael Moore’s classic documentary about the impact of the decline in US auto manufacturing, in that hipster/retro neighborhood your friend’s kid is always talking about.
Divorce your non-American spouse. On the write-in section of the paperwork, scribble “miscegenation” as the grounds for dissolution of your marriage. When your friends and family, blind-sided by this unexpected change of status ask why, tell them the 2016 GOP candidates know what’s best. After the repatriation party – maybe with a fun 1930’s theme – splurge on spa treatments or a yoga retreat in your blue state bubble. You’re single and you deserve a little indulgence!
Staycations are a terrific budget choice and they don’t have to be boring. Barricade yourself in your basement. Alternate between reading nihilist authors and “prepper” handbooks, and trying to decode your neighbor’s wifi password. Grow bitter as your world view becomes increasingly defined by fear. Have felafel delivered via PostMates.
