Hello, I Am Divorced Now.

How tempting it is, in this place I sit now, to air my grievances. How satisfying in the short term to make a scene in words. To have the waiter say, “Ma’am, you are shouting, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

No good can come from that, I think. Perhaps a momentary satisfaction, the kind you get when you have a good scream into your pillow. The sound of pressure being released. But it wouldn’t last; one scream would not be enough.  Were I to unleash my grievances, I might not be able to stop.

Instead, I will allow myself a few spare statements.

I had to sacrifice half my retirement to end the process. I chose this over going to court, not because I felt the settlement was fair, but because it would end the process.

I chose not to fight over two pieces of art he had given me as gifts and took back. One was a birthday present and the imagery is meaningful to me. The artist is a long time friend. I chose not to fight over this request not because I do not regret the loss of those pieces. I do. But I am more focused on the act than the objects.

I kept my house. I had hoped this would be the case and my lawyer was confident, but I wasn’t sure until it was over.

***

The week before mediation, I started my first staff position in 15 years.

I’ve been working with this client for two and a half years; they really wanted to hire me. I got everything I asked for: 100% remote, a senior level salary, 30 hours a week, full benefits. I am thrilled. The base vacation package is ten paid holidays plus three weeks of standard vacation time. There is unlimited sick time, but they just added an additional five personal days.

Say, for example, you have to attend mediation and the next day you are destroyed? There’s a paid day off for that. There’s some other stuff. A stock grant. Some nice perks. There’s 401k matching, for crying out loud. I’ve never had that.

Also, my day to day work life has changed very little.

I didn’t know how the divorce would play out, but I chose to plan for the worst, to give up freelancing in case things turned out very, very badly.  Things turned out badly, but my recovery plan was in place.

The financial hit is no joke. I expected that. I didn’t expect he’d take back the gifts he gave me.

***

I took a long break during mediation to pace in my kitchen. I made coffee, washed some dishes, and stared out the window. I talked myself through where I am today and what I would lose if I accepted the settlement. I considered what court would cost, not just in dollars, but in opportunity costs and the emotional load of not being done. I considered what it would be like to tell my story in court and to have a judge decide what was fair.

I’m a writer; I can tell my story any time I want. I don’t have to go to court for that.

I chose done.  I’m divorced now.